Caterwauling Just Won't Do
by GreenPaw
Summary: Desperate to win over Ladybug, Adrien has been busy reading romance novels in attempt to learn how to talk dirty. Yet he's hesitant when he reads what he can only assume is awful descriptors of intimate situations. Wanting a sounding board, he seeks out Marinette as Chat Noir. Hoping she won't slap him.
1. Chapter 1

Even at 17, Adrien Agreste was well aware of the fact that he was naïve to a lot of things in the world. Things that other guys his age were well versed in. Things to do with girls, being with boys and the like. Things that made him blush profusely when he considered what he'd like to say to his crush. Well, what Chat Noir would like to whisper in Ladybug's ear at the perfect moment.

Flirting didn't work, but what about downright talking dirty? Would she be into that if they had a moment in the darkness together while on patrol? His imagination had run wild with the idea. In reality it would probably never happen, but Adrien liked to be prepared. He'd been given a Kindle reader some months ago for his birthday and had been busy downloading a heap of trashy romance novels in the hope of boosting his repartee of potential dirty talk.

Yet some of the language, metaphors and similes had seemed awkward and perhaps a little strange. Being a star student, Adrien had made a list of those things he wasn't sure of. But who could he possibly ask about it? There was no way he was telling Nino. His bestie would give him hell and probably tease him to the end of days. Chloe would assume he was trying to seduce her – so he was not even going there. Kagami would probably react in a mix of the prior mentioned buddies' responses. Alya would want to blog about it. While Marinette would blush as dark as an overripe tomato and stutter worse than normal.

At that last thought, Adrien froze and his green eyes narrowed. Marinette would be embarrassed by _him_ talking that way. But what about Chat Noir? They'd developed an easy-going relationship over the years, joking and teasing each other about nonsense. Heck, Chat Noir used her as a sounding board for some of his crazier ideas to woo Ladybug. She usually just shook her head good-naturedly and told him not to bother, so this wasn't something out of the blue.

Glancing at his kwami, Adrien decided that it was best not to discuss this with Plagg. The tiny god of destruction would merely point out the merits of loving cheese instead. So, Adrien recited the words for his transformation and became Chat Noir. From there he picked up his notebook of 'Dirty Talk Questions' or DTQ for short and rushed out his window.

Anxiety ate at him as he travelled, yet Chat Noir needed answers. There would be nothing worse than trying to charm his lady love only to have her laugh in his face or be horrified at what he was suggesting. Although Chat Noir fully expected that she'd probably slap his masked face. Mentally shaking away that unwanted thought, the feline hero landed upon Marinette's balcony with a quiet thud.

To his surprise, Marinette was peering up at him from her bed beneath the skylight, giving him a perplexed frown. She looked to her bare wrist as if consulting the time and tapped her arm. "It's not Friday," she exclaimed as he opened the window.

"I know, it's Saturday night and you've probably got plans but I wanted to pick your brain."

Dark eyebrows lifted high as Marinette put down her textbook and stared at him. "What do you want to know?"

The heat of a blush practically set Chat Noir's cheeks on fire. "It's kind of… embarrassing."

Marinette shifted to her knees, cocking her head to the side to study him. "O-kay. Should you be talking to me?"

Chat Noir shrugged while his cat ears pulled back in earnest. "Well, um, I can't really think of anyone else I could talk to." He rubbed at his nape. "At least not without them laughing at me."

A touch of sympathy relaxed Marinette's features. "You can talk to me about anything, Chat." Her spine shot straight as she turned serious, "Except your identity."

"I know. It's not about that. As for the talking about anything, you may change your mind…" But Chat Noir slunk his way inside and sat beside Marinette before she could close the window and shut him out.

With palms sweating beneath his gloves, Chat Noir pulled out his DTQ book and pursed his lips. "So…" his blush grew darker as his teeth worried his bottom lip and his tail twitched, "…I've been doing some research. Wait. Let me start at the beginning." The lip chewing grew fierce as he swallowed hard. "I've had a fairly sheltered upbringing."

One of Marinette's eyebrows quirked but she said nothing as she waited for him to continue.

"While I flirt a lot with Ladybug, I haven't had much experience with girls."

The staring continued.

"What I'm trying to say is that, I want to know what's inappropriate to say to a girl I want to… you know."

They stared at each other for a long minute before Marinette offered, "Date?"

"Yes," he said with an awkward nod.

"Right," she sighed, sounding relieved.

"Anyway, I've been doing a lot of reading of romance novels that women tend to like. Trying to understand what they want a guy to say to them about… certain interactions. Some of the things listed were, shall we say, educational but no necessarily something I think a girl would want to hear. I guess I wanted to run them by someone else to get their viewpoint."

This time it was Marinette who was gnawing at her bottom lip. "Are we talking…" she dropped her voice to a whisper, "…about sex?"

Chat Noir waved both hands between them frantically. "No. Well, not exactly, more like talking dirty."

"About sex."

"Um, yeah."

"And you thought me your best option?"

Her sceptical expression had him rambling. "Yes, you're understanding and wouldn't laugh at me. Plus, you know I'm a goofball and a dork. You know that I mean this in the sincerest way and not to be a complete sleaze."

Marinette crossed her arms and gave him a knowing look. "Are you trying to impress Ladybug?"

"Maybe."

"Then I'd suggest foregoing whatever plan it is you have in mind."

A frustrated growl hissed through his teeth. "Marinette, I'm serious. Some of this stuff, it's… I don't know. Just seems unrealistic or beyond weird or just… laughable."

"Laughable, now that I'll listen to."

"Okay," Chat Noir said while crossing his legs and draping his tail across his lap. He opened the book and cleared his throat. "Here are some of the things I've read which I think sound ridiculous but maybe I'm wrong. Tell me if, as a woman, you find them alluring."

A smirk graced Marinette's lips, "Hit me."

"Do women actually refer to their vagina as their _feminine core_?"

Marinette snorted and slapped her hand over her mouth. "Um, no. No, we don't."

Chat Noir pulled the pencil from the spiral binding and crossed that one out. "Good to know. On the flip side, let's move to the male genitalia, would you ever refer to his appendage as his _member_?"

"No," Marinette said while trying to compress the laughter determined to escape.

"Fantastic, there were far too many puns that came to mind with that one. Like does he get a _membership_ card to gain entry to, well, you get the idea." Chat glanced at Marinette and they both sniggered. "Almost as lame as a man card."

"Oh, I thought man cards were legit."

Chat Noir rolled his eyes. "So naïve, urban myth."

"Says the guy wanting tips on dirty talk."

"Quiet, I have more questions." They both glanced at each other and snorted with amusement. "Do women expect men to have dicks the size of baseball bats? Because honestly, that would be uncomfortable. I mean, can you imagine trying to pee with a dick that long?"

By this stage Marinette was in hysterics. "No, no I can't. Never had that problem."

"And trying to fit it in your underpants, or jeans. Heck, in this suit I'd look like I was trying to hide a mutant cucumber in my pants. Except for when it's cold, then it would shrink." He glanced at Marinette and she picked up her pillow trying to stifle her laughter. "I'll take that as no, you don't envision a guy having that big of a dick."

Marinette gave him a thumbs up since her ability to speak was rendered useless as she tried to keep breathing between laughs.

"The next question is pretty much answered by that last one…"

"What was it?" she managed to utter.

"Would said oversized dick be considered a turn off because the woman would quote: _'fear it was so big that it would come out her mouth when he thrust into her pussy' _unquote."

"What the hell?"

"My thoughts exactly. Not physically possible and just plain gross."

"Agreed. What the heck have you been reading?"

"I can give you a list."

Marinette shook her head. "On second thought, please don't. Next question."

Chat Noir turned the page and cleared his throat. "Descriptors of an erection. Now these ones I thought off-putting, let me know if I'm wrong. Firstly, him being _so hard it was like it was petrified_. You know, like stone."

"That's terrible. No one wrote that, surely."

"They did." Chat Noir sniggered, "Allow me to go on. It was also _trophy-worthy_."

She burst out laughing. "What'd they put on the plaque?"

"No idea, perhaps: Winner of the most magnificent member ever beheld."

"You've been reading too much of this shit."

"I have. I certainly have," Chat Noir nodded, "It could also be aggressively proud."

"Not that I've had any real experience in this sort of thing but how can an erection be aggressive or proud?"

Chat Noir shrugged, "It won a trophy?"

Again, they broke out into a fit of giggles.

"Next up, lady part descriptors."

"Oh God," Marinette said while shaking her head.

"Let's start with breasts." By now Chat Noir was over blushing, he was simply red in the face from laughing so hard. "Personally, I'm not a fan of _fun bags_ or _puppies_ or _peach coloured globes peaked with cherry nipples_."

"No one in their right mind wrote that, please." Marinette urged but Chat Noir merely nodded. Letting out an exasperated groan, she added. "I am not a fan either."

"Thank goodness. Then we go on to female arousal." This time Chat Noir's face was red from embarrassment. "I have to admit my experience in this area is seriously lacking." Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he began. "_She was so wet, it felt as though Niagara Falls was between her legs._"

"Good grief, sounds like her lover needs to bring an inflatable dingy."

Green eyes looked at her critically. "No truth to that one?"

"I should hope not. She'd probably drown not only her partner but also her gynaecologist."

Chat Noir nodded. "Point taken. I'll cancel my order for a life raft."

"I hope you're joking."

"I am," he grinned. "Onto the next one. Still on the topic of, um, lady juices. _He wanted to lick the honey from her cunt._"

"Firstly, I hate that last word. It sounds derogatory not sexy. As for honey, um, maybe for some chicks but usually the term used with a food-like nature is cream."

Chat Noir gave his masked eyebrows a wiggle. "And cat's love cream."

Marinette slapped his shoulder. "I knew you'd say that."

"Got a reaction, I'm saying that one's a go."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Lastly, we have compliments and suggestive statements." Chat Noir drew a deep breath as he met her eyes before glancing back at the page. "_You have the most beautiful pussy I've ever seen._"

Blue eyes blinked slowly as she frowned. "I can't say I've studied my own privates, or any other girls for that matter, but I wouldn't consider down there pretty let alone beautiful."

Chat Noir's human ears were burning and he was thankful for his blonde locks covering them. Although his face was probably just as red. "_I want to fuck you into next week._"

"Um, wow. Direct. That could work but to me fucking is kind of meaningless. As in the person saying it just wants sex, no connection or intimacy. For that, I'd much prefer: _I want to make love to you until you can't see straight._"

The room had gotten extremely hot. Chat Noir wanted to pull at his collar or fan his face with his hand. Marinette suddenly seemed far too close. She was a friend, just a friend. He had to remind himself of this. Right now, this discussion was for research purposes only. Not to cause his heartrate to spike or his nether regions to get excited.

Lowering the notebook to his lap, to cover said growing excitement, Chat Noir drew in a deep breath. "That's all I had. Thanks for clearing it up."

There was a throatiness to Marinette's voice which was far too alluring. "No problem. Anytime."

Glancing back at the page, Chat Noir's masked eyes widened. "Oh wait, I missed one. About libido being referred to as _her inner goddess._"

"Seriously?"

"My thoughts, exactly." And it lightened the intense mood which had settled between them.

"You need to read some classy romance novels." She suggested.

"Do you have a list?" he prompted with a grin.

"I might."

Chat Noir turned to a blank page in his book, ripped it out and scribbled down his email address then folded the paper in half. "You can send them to that address."

Spinning so his back was to her, and so the larger than usual bulge in his pants was hidden, Chat Noir stood and opened the skylight. He grinned at Marinette's gasp.

"This is not your email address!"

Glancing over his shoulder, Chat Noir smirked. "Who says it's not?"

"It's Adrien Agreste's email!"

The feline hero shrugged, "Send him the list anyway. He might appreciate it."

"You… you, alley cat!"

Chat Noir merely sniggered as he was slapped on the ass when he climbed out onto her balcony. No doubt she meant to slap him elsewhere but he didn't care. Dropping down to lean his head through her skylight he smirked. "Go on, send the list to Adrien. I dare you!"

"No way!" she practically snarled.

The superhero merely laughed. "Too timid, princess?"

She huffed and placed her fisted hands on her hips. "No, but I doubt Adrien would appreciate the gesture."

At that Chat Noir's teeth flashed with the widening of his smile. He bopped her on the tip of her nose with his index finger. "Then I don't think you know Adrien half as well as you think you do."

"Insufferable cat!"

"Salacious girl. Slapping a superhero on the ass. Who would have thought? Until next time Marinette." And with that, Chat Noir leapt away before Marinette could clonk him on the head with her textbook. He'd gotten what he came for, the question was, would Adrien get the list he was hoping for?

* * *

**Okay now, I've got a question for you. What are some of the worst descriptors you've ever read in a romance novel? Send them via the review section below and I just might add them into a second chapter. I figure it's only fair that Marinette flings some back at Chat Noir later.**

**As always, thanks for reading. This was intended to be a one shot but I'm thinking it could at least be a two shot. Cheers :)**


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with awful metaphors in romance novels. I've put a number to use in this chapter and may in the next. I hope you get a good laugh out of this. I know I did while writing it. Oh and new followers, this is M because there is very adult content coming up. _

* * *

_Chapter Two_

There was no way Marinette was ever going to reply to Chat Noir's query via Adrien's email address. As much as she wanted to get back at that blasted cat, she wasn't about to sully her crush's opinion of her. But then an idea came to mind. While she fully intended to give Chat Noir the list of romance novels which were more suited to wooing, she didn't want to encourage his pursuit of Ladybug for obvious reasons.

Setting up a new email obscure email address, Marinette wrote out one of the gaudiest pieces of romantic literature she'd ever come up with, adding a running commentary in bold for Chat Noir to snigger at. She just hoped Adrien passed it on without reading it.

* * *

**_Dear Kitty,_**

**_I know you requested a reading listing of preferable romance novels for your own education, but I decided that this might be just as helpful. After you sharing a number of 'enlightening' examples of awful descriptors for love scenes, I thought I'd share a number of examples I've come across in my time. As well as some lines that are so overused that I want to club myself over the head with a skillet._**

**_This first one being: 'She wanted to climb him like a tree.' I swear if I ever see this line in a book again I will see how well it fairs as fire kindling. 'He was so hard he could pound nails' is another. That being said, I have included both in this unique piece of writing. Feel free to desecrate it in any form or fashion you deem necessary. _**

**_Now then, let's get down to the usual trope. The hero/love interest is always over six feet and built like pro wrestler and weighs 200 pounds – which means nothing to those of us familiar with the metric system. He is a millionaire and has slept with every sexpot bimbo that's crossed his path, yet somehow has managed to avoid picking up any sexually transmitted diseases. Then, by some miracle, he suddenly has eyes only for the heroine who is five foot nothing, of average appearance, flat chested, usually a virgin and needs saving from herself because she's lost the ability to use her own brain when in the hero's presence. Ugh._**

**_What would be truly refreshing is a regular guy who's not loaded, maybe he's a plumber. Although he'd still have to be seriously hot. Instead of being an arrogant prick, he's kind and caring while secretly pining for the sweet heroine who just wants to be loved by a genuine guy looking for a monogamous relationship. Oh, and she'd be more experienced in the bedroom and he'd be okay with that because he's not an overbearing control freak with insecurities about his masculinity._**

**_Now then, let's begin…_**

_Story for Chat Noir_

_Take one…_

_Chase Skirt descended the steps of his personal jet as he loosened his tie. A tie he'd only just put back on after screwing the blonde air hostess with the gigantic tits (which would have worked perfectly as floatation devices on their own had the plane crashed into the ocean). Fanning himself with a couple of hundred-dollar bills, Chase pondered his next corporate takeover of Richard Cranium Enterprises._

_**Nope, scratch that.**_

_Take two…_

_Chasity Belt smoothed down the black fabric of her dress as she stood before the mirror, admiring the transformation before her. Amazed that her best friend had been able to morph her from schoolmarm-lookalike to sex kitten. It was incredible what a well-padded push-up bra, tummy-firming undies and stiletto heels could do. Now Chasity hoped she could actually walk the whole twelve steps to her front door without breaking an ankle._

**_Egh, nope. Let's try again._**

_Take three…_

_With breathless anticipation, Chasity raced to her front door and opened it on the second knock. Despite having seen Chase just forty minutes prior, she was still blown away by his chiselled features. The piercing blue eyes and sharp jawline screamed of his incredible masculinity, yet was softened by his obscenely long eyelashes and kissable lips. Women everywhere would be crying for such features of their own. __**(Because oxymorons do not exist in romance novels. By some miracle he's got both masculine and feminine features yet is not androgynous. Go figure.)**_

_Time came to a standstill as he eye-fucked her in return. __**(So classy.) **__Slowly taking her in from slinky black heels to expertly coiffed hair. His voice was a rumbling purr, "You're looking exceptionally beautiful tonight, Chasity. Luckily I'm here to give you something."_

_Brown doe-like eyes widened at his scintillating statement. Her mind went wild, imaging his perfect naked body over hers, his arms caging her in as he lanced his awe-inspiring steel rod into her silken channel. But those thoughts were cast aside as he held up an expensive bottle of wine for her viewing, making Chasity gasp at the sheer pleasure and surprise of it all. __**(Because let's face it, her brain has been disintegrated by her raging hormones.)**_

_"__You brought wine. That's so sweet."_

_A rakish smile stole across his lips. "Wine is always at its best when shared with a beautiful woman." __**(Flattery and alcohol, hmm where could this be going I wonder? Ha ha, like we don't know.)**_

_Leading him inside with the sashaying of her hips, Chasity took the bottle to the kitchen. Quickly she rifled through the top drawer in search of a corkscrew but Chase caught her wrist, stroking her pulse point with his thumb as he closed the draw with his hip. "What are you looking for?"_

_"__C-Corkscrew," she stuttered as butterflies fluttered in her belly at his very proximity. The predatory look in his eyes her had panties melting into liquid fire. __**(I'm not sure how exactly panties could melt. I don't think it's actually possible with cotton. Then again, I'm no scientistic but it would be kind of funny if her panties literally went up in flames with an unexpected flash!)**_

_Breathing became difficult as he gazed at her with such blatant sexual hunger that her knees weakened, making her feel like a new born colt learning to stand. __**(Given a colt is a young male horse I always find this an odd description for a woman. Instead they should use filly since that's the female equivalent in horsey terms or just foal since it's gender neutral.)**_

_Chase looked to the wine bottle. "It's a stelvin cap, meaning all I have to do is get my hands on it and persuade it open with a little show of muscle."_

_Why did his words sound so dirty? Any screw cap opened that way. Yet the underlying insinuation of what his hands and body were capable of had her gagging for more. "Sounds like you have the expert touch." _

_Again, that naughty smile and twinkle in his eyes had her craving a cold shower. Oh, who was she kidding, she wanted to climb him like a tree and rip off his clothes. __**(Because she's the size of a koala and he can totally hold her up for an insurmountable period of time because he's got muscles the size of basketballs. Oh wait, there's a large chance he would simply fall over from overbalancing because of her unexpected move, oopsies.)**_

_Chase reached around her for the bottle, his blazing eyes never leaving hers as he expertly opened it with such an expression of raw masculine strength she wanted to let out a dreamy sigh. He cast her a meaningful look and Chasity realised that she was yet to retrieve the glasses for their beverage. Sending him a pretty yet flummoxed smile, Chasity turned to the cupboard to snatch up her best crystal wine glasses. _

_Amusement sparkled in his gaze. "Those are shiraz glasses, you wouldn't happen to have ones for chardonnay?"_

_Heat burned a path across her cheeks. Damn, he was so sophisticated. A wine glass was a wine glass as far as she was concerned. "Um, I don't think I do."_

_"__It doesn't really matter. These will do fine." __**(In which case, why the hell did he mention it? Oh wait, because he's an arrogant prick who likes showing up others.)**_

_Chasity picked up one delicate glass with a trembling hand and prayed he didn't observe just how eagerly nervous she was. Strong fingers curled over hers as he held her steady and poured the wine. His touch was electric, sending volts of desire to the centre of her being. __**(I have always hated that reference, sounds like her world revolves around her vagina.) **__Her nipples tightened into firm buds, hard enough to cut glass. __**(Yet her bra is mysteriously intact and unmarred. Shouldn't it be pierced with two nipple sized holes? Strangely enough, no.)**_

_Sapphire eyes descended from her brown ones with unhurried interest. Every inch dropped was a scalding scrutiny. Her chest rose and fell faster with her increased respiration, drawing Chase's eyes to her modest bosom. He stared for a moment before flicking his eyes back to hers with a knowing smirk. "Thirsty for something else?"_

_"__Yes," she gasped while taking a shaky step forward to grab his tie and drag his face closer to hers. _

_The wine glass slipped from her opposite hand as his lips came crashing down upon hers. The shattering crack was ignored as Chase's hands fisted in her hair, angling her head the way he wanted as he dipped his tongue into Chasity's mouth, demanding her surrender. __**(Heaven forbid they're actually equals in this situation. Wouldn't want to emasculate him by showing him as anything but alpha dominant. Oh and don't step on the broken glass, ouch.)**_

_Chasity was helpless to resist, whimpering as his lips briefly left hers. _

_"__Say you'll be mine for tonight." He demanded, his voice roughened and unyielding. _

_There was something utterly dangerous about him in that moment, however Chasity knew he'd respect her wishes if she pushed him away. But she didn't want to stop, all her pent up yearning was about to be rewarded. How could she possibly say no to this man now that he was in her arms? __**(Let's completely forget he's a known manwhore and delude ourselves into believing he actually wants more than a one night stand. Even though he's made his intent pretty clear and all he's ever pursued in the past is meaningless flings with supermodels and playboy bunnies. Wait, sex with a boring everyday virginal girl will make him actually remember he has a heart – which he left behind with his conscience many years ago, in a box, under the stairs with a boy who didn't know he was a wizard.)**_

_"__I will," she answered in a husky whisper, briefly imagining those words coming from both their lips at the altar. Her dressed in white, him stunningly handsome in a tux. Lovingly looking at her in a way that melted her heart. Knowing that they'd be together for all eternity._

_Reality came crashing back as his hand dropped to cup her ass, pulling her firmly against his body. There was no mistaking the firm ridge beneath his zipper, steeling so hard he could pound nails. __**(Why would he want to pound nails with his dick? Can't you just imagine how many workplace safety rules he'd be breaking. Plus, it would hurt. Guys grab their junk in sympathy as soon as they even hear about another dude taking a strike in the goolies. Therefore, isn't a hammer perfectly acceptable when wanting to nail something? Oh wait, now I get the reference. Right…still sounds bloody awful.)**_

_Skimming her hands up his chest, Chasity felt deep feminine satisfaction as Chase groaned his approval between kisses. Then he reached down, hooking his hands under her thighs to lift her into his arms. Chasity snaked her legs around his waist as she ground herself against his hardness. Longing to have him pierce her maidenhead and make her a woman. __**(Wow, that paints a picture I'd rather forget. La la la…)**_

_By some primal reflex, Chase was somehow able to navigate them to her bedroom while continuing to kiss her. __**(Amazing since he's never been to her home yet has inbuilt radar in finding ladies bedrooms. I'd laugh if it was the linen closet.) **__They only came to a stop when Chase's knees hit the mattress. Chasity expected him to lie her down, instead he released her legs slowly until her feet were on the ground. _

_He stepped back, eyeing her with a smile. "You're so beautiful just like this, but I think you'll be breathtaking without the dress."_

_Chasity dipped her head feeling suddenly shy. But the caress of his voice and smoulder of his eyes emboldened her. Reaching to her back, she undid the zipper and shimmied the wide straps of her dress off her shoulders. The dress floated down her skin to pool at her feet. __**(I wonder if she can swim in it now. Look there's a pool at my feet – brilliant! Oh wait, it could mean some other type of pool, that's yellow and a result of not going to the toilet in time. Deleting last comment…)**_

_A deep gasp sounded from Chase as he took in her slim body. That scorching gaze burned away her insecurities. The way he was licking his lips at the slight cleavage which taunted come hither and the scrap of lace covering her feminine treasure begging to be stripped away was almost too much. __**(Treasure, where? Does he need a map to located it? Oh wait, Casanova extraordinaire, he is the map.)**_

_Stepping forward, Chase rested his hands on her shoulders and ever so slowly pushed her bra straps down the slope of her shoulders. He placed a kiss on the now bare skin on each side, before tugging down the cups to expose her love globes blessed with cherry nipples standing at attention. __**(The boobs went marching two by two hurrah, hurrah…)**_

_"__Need to taste you," Chase groaned as he dropped his head to take one bud of raw need into his mouth while he kneaded the other with his hand. _

_Chasity clutched at his head, her nails scraping his scalp as she rocked forward, needing more. Feeling like she would die if he stopped. __**(Because mouth to breast saves lives, people. Oh wait, I think I got that wrong.) **__She keened as he suckled her, imagining their future baby doing the same thing and her loins ached for his seed. __**(Right, because he's so thinking that too…not.)**_

_Seeming to understand her desperation, Chase unhooked her bra and tossed it aside. Then his big hands moved to her hips, gripping her panties before he tore them asunder. __**(Why is it that panties are made with the consistency of tissue paper in this genre? They just rip right off without any resistance at all. Amazing. I'd like to see her try to rip his panties off.)**_

_Thrilling shock had Chasity gaping at his male strength. Before she could make comment, Chase scooped her into his arms, bridal style, and laid her on the bed tenderly. It was only then that she realised he was still fully clothed while she was naked. Her hand reached up and began loosening his tie._

_"__Uh, uh," he chastised. "Not yet."_

_"__But you're still dressed and I'm not."_

_"__Patience," he crooned as his lips returned to her skin, blazing a trail down her body as she writhed beneath him. Chase paused as he reached the landing strip of her pubes. __**(I wonder if there's a little man there who waves in the incoming penises. Erections must be in the upright position prior to landing.) **__His hands moved to her thighs, easing them open as he sat back to admire her secret flower. __**(Now there's a garden? Wow, she really did need a trim down there.) **__With the lightest of touches, he parted her gleaming petals. "You're so wet for me."_

_"__Yes," Chasity gasped as she opened her legs further. "Touch me, please."_

_That rakish grin was back as Chase lowered his head where she needed him. At first, he merely lapped at her sodden heat, driving her into a frenzy as he sucked on her inner pearl. __**(Oh, is that the treasure? I'm confused with all the mixed metaphors.) **__Each pull of his mouth had her crying out in euphoric moans. "Oh my God, oh my God, I'm going to come!"_

_Fireworks exploded behind her closed eyelids, __**(Sounds painful) **__and somewhere in the distance she swore she heard angels sing. __**(I thought sex outside marriage was considered a sin with Christianity so why would angels be happy about this?) **__Her bones turned to rubber as she sagged against the pillow, panting hard as she came down from the biggest high in her life. _

_Pure male satisfaction shone from Chase's eyes as he quickly stripped off his clothes and pulled a condom from his wallet. Only then did Chasity see how ginormous his velvet steel missile truly was. __**(Guaranteed to go ka-pow-ee, but always read the label before use.) **__She watched as he ripped open the foil packed and rolled on the latex. _

_"__I always bring my own," he stated, "I need extra large ones to fit my length and girth." __**(Of course he does, and he's just so modest too.) **__With the condom in place, Chase slipped between her legs and hovered over her. "Plus, I need to protect you." __**(What, from your cheesy lines? Or the possibility of gestating your spawn for nine months?)**_

_His thoughtfulness made her heart melt a little more. Chasity lifted her hand to stroke his cheek. "You're so considerate."_

_Chase gave her a warm smile. "You make me want to be a better man."_

_"__I bet you say that to all the girls." __**(Wow, it's like she's reading my mind.)**_

_A throaty chuckled rumbled from him. "Hardly."_

_But all ability to think was laid to waste as Chase reached down to rub the fat head of his throbbing member against her glistening flower. __**(Nice visual – you know I'm sniggering.)**_

_"__That feels so good," Chasity moaned as she rolled her hips, desperate for him to plunge his impressive manhood into her caves of delights. __**(WTF?)**_

_"__Do you want me in your little sheath? Do you want me to stretch and fill you?" Chase demanded to know as he rocked his hips, teasing her with just taste of his joystick. _

_"__Yes, so desperately," Chasity called as she lunged for his posterior, grabbing his gluts as she tried to force him inside. __**(You can say ass. I dare you.)**_

_"__So greedy," he purred while dipping his love wand into her welcoming hole. __**(There are no words.)**_

_Chasity raked her fingers across his back as he invaded her body in the most exquisite way. There was a pinch of pain and he froze. _

_"__Are you a virgin?" __**(Well, duh.)**_

_Panic had her biting her lip as she looked at him timidly. "Yes."_

_The slowest minute of her life passed by as he stared at her with indecision. Then his features relaxed as he took her by the hips and speared his length into her tight forge. "You're not anymore," he grinned as he lay over her. "Take a moment to breath. Then we're going to fuck like rabbits." __**(He's so romantic.)**_

_Chasity did as he instructed, closing her eyes as he lavished her throat with kisses. When she was ready, she wrapped her legs around his and arched her pelvis. "I need you now. Make me feel like a woman." __**(Does that mean she was a man before?)**_

_"__Yes ma'am," he replied with a lopsided grin. Velvet smooth steel surged in and out of her body, driving her to a new reality where pleasure erupted in glimmering sparks of bliss with every thrust. "That's it, take all of me. Good girl." __**(Sounds like she's a dog. Who wants a yummy treat? Good girl.)**_

_Chasity's moans escalated with the pump of his dick, "Yes, oh yes, more. I want to come!"_

_"__Then let go as I fuck your brains out."_

_And then she was there, cresting the river of carnal pleasure to walk the shore of orgasmic bliss. Her tight sheath squeezed Chase's pounding member for all it's worth. He bellowed with fierce passion as he came, spurting hot ropes of thick baby-making batter into the condom. __**(Um, okay. If you say so.) **__Then collapsed on top her to nuzzle her neck. _

_"__That was incredible," Chasity exclaimed as she held him in her arms while her heart threatened to burst at the wash of feelings. This had to be love. Did he feel it too?_

_"__I was pretty spectacular, wasn't I?" He gloated as he rolled off her and pulled out. "I better clean this up." _

_Then he was out of the room and all Chasity could think was that she was going to win Chase's heart, no matter what it took. __**(Because there's nothing like the scent of desperation to attract a man. You go girl, or better yet, don't.)**_

**_And there we have a number of pointers in what is not appealing in terms of romantic descriptors. I hope you were taking notes. Tomorrow there will be a test. _**

**_See you then,_**

**_Princess M._**


End file.
